More than a month ago Speedy Gonzales and I got into a big assed fight and I haven’t spoken to her since. Speedy is 74 years old, looks 55 and acts like she’s 12. She’s this little bity speck of a Mexican woman whom I’ve known all my life. That means I know she’s a backstabbing child, but it doesn’t make things any better.
During the fight she called me lazy and a liar and told me I could kiss her ass…all because she thinks Bagheera likes me more.
Whatever.
I know I’m neither lazy nor a liar, but it pissed me off that she was willing to be such a freaking child. “Bagheera used to spend time with me, now she spends all her time with you.” Waa, boo hoo. (I’m not making this up.) She twisted every conversation I had with her into “Holly thinks she’s in charge.” News flash: I’m barely in charge of myself and I certainly don’t want to be in charge of the hot mess that is the restaurant. Furthermore, don’t put your issues off on me. So, I quit talking to her. If I refuse to acknowledge her existence, she can’t gossip and lie about what I said.
When Eeyore got the boot, we were without a pie maker, so I stepped in. Prior to this, my idea of a cream pie was flavoured instant pudding in a pie shell with Cool Whip on top. Fruit pies came out of a can. I’ve spent the last month looking up pie recipes and thanks to my friend Michele I have a killer pie crust recipe (it’s called Great Value rolled out pie crusts). My coconut cream pie is heavenly. The strawberry rhubarb is awesome. I made a Pepsi cake that sold out in less than a day. A slice of Key Lime pie makes you think you are sitting in Miami. I’ve learned how to make the pie crusts beautiful with different patterns on the edges and tops.
I’ve put a lot of effort into this and it’s paying off. People are stopping in for dessert in the afternoons. People are buying desserts to go. We are even selling desserts in the bar. The bartenders are dumbfounded because they are serving pie and beer. That never used to happen. Best of all, the profit margin is insane and knowing this, King Triton bought a little glass front cooler to showcase my pies. Well, also because he thinks I’m awesome.
So naturally Speedy has to horn in on my action. All the attention I’m getting has turned her green with envy. It doesn’t look good on her. She made a peach pie (with filling from a can) with a homemade crust that was so thick and burned we had to toss it. Today she made a peach cobbler (with filling from a can) that looks like a glop of pie filling on a plate. I knew we had to use up the pie filling Eeyore ordered, and I had planned to make a crazy crust peach pie that is truly awesome, but hell no. Let’s make some sloppy shit instead.
Maybe I’m being childish about this. Maybe I should let her continue to make her shitty desserts and keep my mouth shut. I don’t want anyone confusing my desserts with hers, though.
No, I think I get to be childish about this, dammit.
