ON AT LEAST FOUR (4) DIFFERENT OCCASIONS.
I can be nice for only so long.
02 Sep 2012 13 Comments
31 May 2012 8 Comments
This is how I woke up this morning.
Dog feet hovering over my face.
I guess it could have been worse, it could have been dog ass in my face.
Yeah, like that’s never happened.
Halo is part hound dog so she sleeps flat on her back with her feet in the air.
She usually sleeps down by my knees so it isn’t an issue, but when she creeps up by my waist I have huge, nasty dog feet in my face.
Sleeping with 5 dogs is a delicate balance. Everyone has their place: Sienna & Otis at the foot of the bed, Maggie on one side, Halo on the other and Arlo by my head. Arlo tends to use my face as a pillow and that’s almost as annoying as dog feet in my face, but not quite. Most of them sleep on the floor in the summer, and I don’t know what to do with all the room in my bed. It’s a little slice of heaven. But in the winter when it’s freezing outside and I’m between two bitches with head and foot warmers, it’s a slice of heaven too. With all that warmth and love I guess I can’t complain about the occasional feet in my face.
18 May 2011 3 Comments
I spent most of yesterday reminding my dogs who’s the alpha. It was exhausting for me and traumatic for them.
The day started at the crack of one in the afternoon. I was barely awake at the computer when Sienna attacked Maggie for no apparent reason. They have two types of fights…the shovey bossy kind and the fight to the death kind. This fight was one of the latter. Before I could get Sienna off Maggie, Halo joined in and she was grabbing Maggie’s parts (legs, tail, hide) and shaking them like a dead rat.
Out came the choke collars and down the hall they went for time out. Oh, and they both got spankings like they’ve never had before. Then it was time to clean up the blood and hair and tend to Maggie’s wounds. Poor Mags.
Later, Otis and Arlo, my son’s dog, went outside with me to get wood. Arlo’s never seen ducks before so he started chasing them around. He made Miss Duck do a backwards somersault and land on her face. He usually listens really well for a puppy, but he would NOT get off the ducks. I finally cornered him, grabbed him by the scruff, spanked his butt, shook him and intended to shove him out of the yard, but he doesn’t weigh as much as my dogs and I ended up throwing him. He landed on Padawan, the cat.
Padi was very offended, so he slapped Arlo around with his claws and made him cry. Then Otis, who knows this is not the accepted standard of behaviour, rolled him in the dirt and made him cry some more. Right after that, Arlo started listening again.
Some times relaxing at home is more stressful than working.
09 Oct 2010 10 Comments
I am NOT crazy.
Despite the evil rumours you all have heard, I’m not losing my mind.
Last night, I started to shave my legs. It’s a rare occurrence, but somewhat necessary. I got out my razor, sat on the edge of the bathtub, lathered up my legs, reached for the razor…
It was gone. Nowhere to be found.
I looked up on the rack where I usually keep it. Not there. I looked on both sides of me. Nope. I stood up, thinking maybe my over sized ass was covering it. No dice. It was disappeared.
So I got out a new razor and started shaving (and cut myself several times, I might add). I finished the project (shaving my legs is nothing less than a project) with only 5 cuts on each leg. Success!
But the mystery of the missing razor still haunted me. Was there ever a razor on the rack? Did I get it down or did I hallucinate it? (I don’t take hallucinogenic drugs as a rule, but maybe someone slipped something into my Pepsi. Stranger things have happened.) Was my subconscious telling me I didn’t really want to shave my legs until I could braid the hair like some hippie?
Uh…no. There really was a razor. Apparently, Halo snatched it from beside me and ran off with it. I found its remains in the living room this morning, all chewed up and mangled.
Stupid dog. She makes me look bad.
01 Sep 2010 11 Comments
Everyday at about the same time, I hit the shower, get dressed and go to work. Usually I lock the dogs in the living room so I don’t have to trip over them while I’m getting dressed, but I forgot today. I started the water in the shower, brushed my teeth, pulled a towel out of the cabinet and realized Sienna was standing in the bathtub waiting for me to get in. WTF?! Why does a 90 pound dog decide to randomly shower with me?
I got Sienna when she was four years old and the young woman who gave her to me treated her like a hairy little toddler. Sienna came with a bucket of clothes. Hoodies, shirts, skirts, sweatshirts and a friggin’ ballerina outfit. I can do anything to this dog: brush her, paint her toenails, and, obviously, shower with her. When I pull out the dog brush, I hear furniture tipping over as my other 3 dogs run for cover, but Sienna is standing beside me, waiting. If I get out the nail polish, Sienna puts her big paw on my lap so I can do her claws. Who does that to a dog?
The last time Sienna decided to get in the bathtub, Maggie thought it would be fun, too. For a week I showered with 170 pounds of dogs. I’m betting Maggie will be in the shower tomorrow. I’m curious how long it will be before Halo decides she needs to shower. That will be 220 pounds of dogs fighting for equal attention in the shower. I don’t have to worry about Otis since he won’t have anything to do with the shower. If he needs a bath, I have to drag his fat ass to the tub, heave him over the side and force him to stay in. That’s the way it should be. Dogs don’t volunteer for a bath.
18 Jul 2010 6 Comments
My dogs love my son. He’s leaving in a month to go back to school.
Halo will be heartbroken.
Sienna won’t be happy.
Otis will stare.
07 Jul 2010 10 Comments
We went to the lake today and boy did the dogs have fun.
Otis is insane about sticks and he immediately found one for me to throw.
But then I surprised him with a ball.
Otis says, “Hey, I’m a cow dog not a retriever!”
Notice who’s standing on the shore waiting to steal the ball.
Eventually, Maggie took the ball and lost it. Stupid Maggie.
So Otis and Halo picked out a stick.
Yeah, it was about 3 feet long.
Halo gave up on the sticks and settled on chasing birds.
Maggie doesn’t know how to swim. Yes, you read that right. She can’t swim. She tries to stay close enough to shore to only get her feet wet.
Occasionally she ventures too far out and falls in a hole. Stupid Maggie.
And where was Sienna during all the play? Standing on the shore eating a log. Lazy dog.
Now they are home and sleeping like dead dogs.
Sleep, dogs. Sleep!